“Infidelity does not come from lack of love. It comes from a lack of respect.”
What is infidelity
Infidelity is when a partner or spouse seeks a relationship out of a stable relationship like marriage or any committed relationship. This is one of the major reasons for divorces and it is often very difficult for a partner who has been cheating to rebuild trust in the cheating partner. Life becomes more difficult with infidelity when children are there. Infidelity calls a spell of end of the relationship. But the couple who decides to continue with the marriage despite the cheating of the partner has to overcome various difficulties. It’s difficult but not impossible. With proper counseling and support, the couple can manage their emotional outbursts and lead a healthy marital life.
Maya was married to Mayank for 10 years, her childhood love. Their adorable little child was 5. All was going well until Mayank’s phone rang. She answered and was shocked to discover another woman on the other end. Although she could dismiss it as spam, the conversation with the other woman forced her to reconsider. The woman spoke about how they had met in a hotel, and how they spent the night together. She also mentioned how she was missing him for several days. She felt chills run down her spine as she heard about Mayank’s affair with another woman. Her paradise of love felt like it had all fallen apart because of her husband’s infidelity.
Maya approached him as he was getting ready to go to work when she mentioned the woman on the telephone. He dismissed the matter as a client who insists that they meet at night because she is busy in the morning with her business. It’s a business meeting, where other people are also present. He made up a story and rushed to the office.
Maya didn’t forget about it and checked her husband’s phone that evening. She was cold on her feet and went blank when she discovered intimate photos and chats between her husband and that woman. It was obvious that her husband had been cheating on her. However, he refuses to admit it.
Cheating is not an error, but a choice. This is when a person becomes involved with another person even though they are in a stable relationship.
There are four types of infidelity
Infidelity can cause heartbreak and damage the relationship’s dignity. Before stepping out of a marital relationship, one should be aware of the serious consequences. Infidelity is a major cause of marital breakups and divorces.
Intimacy/sexual intimacy
Intimacy is when two partners are involved in an illegal sexual relationship. One could have 100 reasons to be in a relationship with another person. This intimacy makes the other person feel less self-worth, less attractive, and incompetent for being in this relationship.
Emotional intimacy
Emotional intimacy refers to the freedom of two people to express their feelings and feel understood by each other. This is a relationship between two people who are stuck in a relationship that doesn’t allow them to express their feelings. They live in an environment that suppresses their voices.
Mental intimacy
They can freely share their thoughts through mental intimacy. These ideas can be business ideas or creative ideas. They can also share their ideas without fear and with mutual respect. If a person is living in a hostile environment that does not acknowledge their intelligence or thought process.
Financial intimacy
Financial intimacy is when one partner helps the other person have sex without their knowledge. While this could be for many reasons, it can lead to a divorce if the spouse learns about it.
Why are people unfaithful to their spouses?
This begs the question: Why is one supposed to be unfaithful to one’s spouse? They were married to be together, and they vowed to keep their vows until the end. Regardless of the reason, infidelity is unfaithful and unfair.
Infidelity in a relationship: Reasons
Inadequacy of interpersonal relationships
A strong relationship is built on good interpersonal relationships between spouses. This is a broad term that refers to the understanding, mutual respect, and other positive aspects of any relationship. A person who lacks a strong interpersonal relationship will attempt to shift their focus away from the marital bond.
When Intimacy & love are lacking
Intimacy and love are two sides of one coin in a relationship. This not only strengthens the relationship between the partners but also instills confidence. If one or both partners are unable to do this, they tend to look beyond their marital status.
Violence and abuse
Abuse and violence are two of the most demotivating things in a relationship. This can cause damage to the individual’s self-esteem as well as their dignity. The person will be forced to leave the marriage if they are subjected to violence or abuse.
Unhealthy fighting
Fighting is common in marriages, but that is considered to be healthy till the partners do not cross the line of control and dignity. Once the fight turns into an ugly spit spat, blame game, name-calling, verbally and physically abusive, and more offending then, it is considered to be unhealthy fighting. Such unhealthy fights make things worse and force the partner to look beyond the relationship as they feel that love is lost and they are not loved anymore. So, to seek the love they tend to look outside the relationship or marriage.
Communication is not effective
Ineffective communication and healthy dialogue between partners can lead to disagreements in understanding and acceptance. These can lead to unnecessary arguments and conflicts, which can threaten marital status. This scenario may lead to the partners thinking they can choose another person for marriage.
Inadequacy in admiration and acknowledgment
Love, admiration, appreciation, and recognition of one’s sacrifices and efforts are essential for any relationship. This empathy helps to build a stronger relationship. However, if there isn’t enough admiration or a negative reaction to the effort and duties being done well, it can lead to the person choosing someone else.
Lack of support by the spouse or partner
This is not uncommon to look for support outside the relationship if your partner or spouse is not supportive of your dreams and aspirations. We all have some endeavors to accomplish and some ideas to share and explore ourselves. So looking forward to some support out of marriage from the person who seems to be more understanding, empathetic, and enthusiastic becomes imperative.
10 Steps to Healing a Relationship After an Affair
- Honesty First
- Bearing Witness
- A Written Apology
- Avoid Cheap Forgiveness
- Sharing Responsibility
- Setting Rules
- Redefine Sexual Intimacy
- Ignore the Aphorisms
- Reality Check
- Letting Go
10 Steps to deal with infidelity
It’s devastating to discover your partner cheating on you. This condition can be dealt with courage and a bit of luck. Here are ten steps you can take to manage this condition.
Do not confront
A spouse’s biggest mistake is to confront the cheater every time they find it. This can lead to a conflict that is not necessary. This will not resolve the problem but increase the distance between them.
Avoid stalking
You can stalk your spouse or partner via social media and check his/her phone frequently to increase your insecurity. This will not resolve the infidelity problem, but it will add another cause to the dispute.
Take a look at what is lacking in your relationship
It is important to reflect on what is missing from the marriage or relationship to understand why the other person is looking outside of the relationship. Be patient and positive, while working out any loopholes.
Open conversation about the affair
It is necessary to have an open conversation about the affair. Be true to the partner and true to yourself and disclose the affair. Accept the partner’s heating element and allow each other to heal and grow out of that state.
Allow each other to explore and heal
Infidelity can be devastating for both partners. Hence give each other time to explore, to go through emotional turmoil, be very supportive during this time, and allow each other to heal. If the partner is overcoming the breakup of the extramarital affair, then lend your emotional support. This will strengthen both partners. Friends and family activities as a backbone sometimes to both the partner to heal during this tough phase.
Learn how to improve yourself
It is important to examine what you are missing. A relationship can be saved by being able to improvise. The best way to solve the problem is to try to work with everyone involved. Fights will not lead to a solution. You can resolve the issue of infidelity by working together to find a solution and help improvise each other.
Rebuild trust learn to forgive
It is not easy to rebuild trust once you have lost it, but it is possible. Therefore, trust should be instilled in each other and done should work collectively. Learn to forgive. This helps both the person to deal with the trauma. Be supportive and work relentlessly to regain the lost trust.
Take a few sessions of counseling.
Counseling can also be a great way to help overcome any difficulties in your relationship. The couple will benefit from a professional or senior family member’s support.
Give space to one another
Sometimes, not enough space between you can make it stagnant or stinky. Give each other enough space. Do not be too intruding into the personal space. Allow each other to spend some time alone, along with family or friends. We all need that breathing space. Isn’t it?
Work on yourself
Working on yourself means taking care of yourself, your body, your looks, your education, your job other things that will make you feel happy and improve your self-worth. Learn new hobbies and skills and amaze your partner with your creativity. Taking up a job to keep yourself busy as an empty mind is a devil’s workshop. This will also instill the lost confidence in you.
A relationship must be like a boomerang. One must give so much love to another that he/she will never be able to stop loving them back and will return to the partner for sure.
Here, I might sound a little old school, but the fact is that, if your partner is in an extramarital affair, cheating on you, make sure whether he or she wants to stay in the relationship or not. If the person still wants to be in a relationship, then look for positive signs like, whether the person is carrying out all the duties of being a wife or a husband, looking after family n other details. Then see how the person is you, whether being abusive or by nay, chance making the relationship toxic.
If you find the person carrying out all the responsibilities fully, and being good towards you, then understand that the person is a human being ab might have got distracted by some momentary illusions. That’s why started cheating on you. So, make yourself very strong and work on the positives of the relationship, and start rebuilding things in your marriage, and slowly the person will return to you once, the attraction is over. But do not think of giving up on the hopes and giving up on life. After all, it’s your life, your family, and your marriage. Hence, it’s you who has to work on it.
“It is necessary to the happiness of man that he is mentally faithful to himself. Infidelity does not consist in believing or in disbelieving; it consists in professing to believe what he does not believe.” – Thomas Paine
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